Remember that cozy mystery I was writing in June? Well, believe it or not given the record of the last three years, I actually finished it. I finished a draft worth sharing around Labor Day and my original very optimistic goal was to have it query ready by Halloween. Well, crazily enough, my critique partners are not robots and have their own lives and writing and family obligations so I didn't get the first set of feedback back until early October. I then had another two people read it, who also have their own lives (the nerve of people not dedicating all their time to reading my manuscripts, I tell you 😂) so I didn't get that feedback back until early November. Hence, I was query ready not by Halloween but by Thanksgiving. It turns out there are fewer agents looking for cozy mysteries than looking for middle grade, plus a lot of agents close to queries the last month or two of the year, so I only sent out eight query letters for my first round. I did get a request within a couple days, which felt really good. Unfortunately it ended in a pass last week, but I think (hope) it's a good sign that I may have actually written something marketable this time. We'll see.
Perhaps because of my anxious ADHD brain that tends to catastrophize, however, part of me also wonders whether there's actually a place in traditional publishing (and no shade on those who self/indie publish, I just know how much work that is and have no interest in taking that route at least so far) for my writing, and particularly for this book. My writing has always been influenced by my Christian faith, and this book especially given that the main character is a pastor, but I never wanted to and still don't want to write for the faith based market. I know it's a big market and if that's your jam more power to you. But based on those I've read, way too often books written for the Christian market sacrifice craft in the name of getting a particular message across. Are there books in that market I enjoy? There are a few. There's a reason I pitched my mystery as Mitford with murder. But overall it's not for me, especially since the majority of the market is very Evangelical focused and I am absolutely, positively not an Evangelical at this stage in my life. To be fair, I also have a message I want to get across in my books, but the message is always secondary to the story. I write stories with hope. Stories in which the marginalized are valued and lifted up. Stories in which characters live well with invisibility disabilities but also struggle because sometimes it sucks. And while, as a Christian, I believe the hope for the world is centered on Jesus, I want my stories to be accessible and meaningful to people of all faiths and none.
Thoughts of this kind were in the back of my mind this week as I placed these nativity figures in my garden. Our family has a lot of nativity sets inside the house, and I was lamenting to my daughter that we don't have an outdoor nativity. She pointed out that we had one in the basement that should be hardy enough to survive outdoors and that's not super meaningful to us if it doesn't. So I took them from a spot in the basement where they were hardly seen anyway and put them in the front garden. They're by the lighthouse because Jesus is the light of the world. Either that or that was the best clear space for them. Probably both. Anyway, because I overthink everything, I was thinking about which nativity figure best symbolizes me. Definitely not Jesus. I mean, sure, I try to be like Jesus, but I miss the mark a large portion of the time. I don't think Mary and Joseph fit me well either. They're way too focused on the baby, and that's also not what I'm like most of the time. The wise men? They came from far away with really expensive gifts. Most of time I feel like what I have to give to Jesus is of little value. That just leaves the angel and the shepherd unless I want to delve into the animals. I'm definitely not a sinless messenger of light, so that leaves the shepherd. And, honestly, given his position in this setup, he's kinda perfect. He's standing back, holding a vulnerable lamb, looking toward the Christ Child, but not part of the crowd right up next to him. He heard the heavenly chorus. He kind of wants the baby to notice him. But also, he has a job to do. He needs to take care of this little lamb. Maybe it was orphaned. Maybe its mother rejected it. Or maybe its mother is at his feet and the little lamb just needed some extra love. Most of the time, I'm like the shepherd. I'm not flashy like those sages from the east who didn't actually even show up for a couple years but somehow always barge into the nativity sets anyway. I'm not totally focused on Jesus like his mother and his earthly father. I'm very much of Earth so definitely not an angel. I'm just standing back, looking at Jesus, hoping he approves of me, trying my best to be faithful to the tasks I've been given and take care of those who need it most.
My hope is that, someday, my books will be on shelves, giving people stories with hope and love and faithfulness. Stories with queer joy and disabled joy. But also queer struggle and disabled struggle, because they intermingle in the real world. Will that ever happen? No clue at this point, but in the meantime I'll do my best to keep the faith and keep taking care of the vulnerable lambs.
