In Which I Wonder If There's Actually a Place for What I Write, But Also Hope (And Kinda, Sorta Believe) There Is

Remember that cozy mystery I was writing in June? Well, believe it or not given the record of the last three years, I actually finished it. I finished a draft worth sharing around Labor Day and my original very optimistic goal was to have it query ready by Halloween. Well, crazily enough, my critique partners are not robots and have their own lives and writing and family obligations so I didn't get the first set of feedback back until early October. I then had another two people read it, who also have their own lives (the nerve of people not dedicating all their time to reading my manuscripts, I tell you 😂) so I didn't get that feedback back until early November. Hence, I was query ready not by Halloween but by Thanksgiving. It turns out there are fewer agents looking for cozy mysteries than looking for middle grade, plus a lot of agents close to queries the last month or two of the year, so I only sent out eight query letters for my first round. I did get a request within a couple days, which felt really good. Unfortunately it ended in a pass last week, but I think (hope) it's a good sign that I may have actually written something marketable this time. We'll see.

Perhaps because of my anxious ADHD brain that tends to catastrophize, however, part of me also wonders whether there's actually a place in traditional publishing (and no shade on those who self/indie publish, I just know how much work that is and have no interest in taking that route at least so far) for my writing, and particularly for this book. My writing has always been influenced by my Christian faith, and this book especially given that the main character is a pastor, but I never wanted to and still don't want to write for the faith based market. I know it's a big market and if that's your jam more power to you. But based on those I've read, way too often books written for the Christian market sacrifice craft in the name of getting a particular message across. Are there books in that market I enjoy? There are a few. There's a reason I pitched my mystery as Mitford with murder. But overall it's not for me, especially since the majority of the market is very Evangelical focused and I am absolutely, positively not an Evangelical at this stage in my life. To be fair, I also have a message I want to get across in my books, but the message is always secondary to the story. I write stories with hope. Stories in which the marginalized are valued and lifted up. Stories in which characters live well with invisibility disabilities but also struggle because sometimes it sucks. And while, as a Christian, I believe the hope for the world is centered on Jesus, I want my stories to be accessible and meaningful to people of all faiths and none.

Thoughts of this kind were in the back of my mind this week as I placed these nativity figures in my garden. Our family has a lot of nativity sets inside the house, and I was lamenting to my daughter that we don't have an outdoor nativity. She pointed out that we had one in the basement that should be hardy enough to survive outdoors and that's not super meaningful to us if it doesn't. So I took them from a spot in the basement where they were hardly seen anyway and put them in the front garden. They're by the lighthouse because Jesus is the light of the world. Either that or that was the best clear space for them. Probably both. Anyway, because I overthink everything, I was thinking about which nativity figure best symbolizes me. Definitely not Jesus. I mean, sure, I try to be like Jesus, but I miss the mark a large portion of the time. I don't think Mary and Joseph fit me well either. They're way too focused on the baby, and that's also not what I'm like most of the time. The wise men? They came from far away with really expensive gifts. Most of time I feel like what I have to give to Jesus is of little value. That just leaves the angel and the shepherd unless I want to delve into the animals. I'm definitely not a sinless messenger of light, so that leaves the shepherd. And, honestly, given his position in this setup, he's kinda perfect. He's standing back, holding a vulnerable lamb, looking toward the Christ Child, but not part of the crowd right up next to him. He heard the heavenly chorus. He kind of wants the baby to notice him. But also, he has a job to do. He needs to take care of this little lamb. Maybe it was orphaned. Maybe its mother rejected it. Or maybe its mother is at his feet and the little lamb just needed some extra love. Most of the time, I'm like the shepherd.  I'm not flashy like those sages from the east who didn't actually even show up for a couple years but somehow always barge into the nativity sets anyway. I'm not totally focused on Jesus like his mother and his earthly father. I'm very much of Earth so definitely not an angel. I'm just standing back, looking at Jesus, hoping he approves of me, trying my best to be faithful to the tasks I've been given and take care of those who need it most.

My hope is that, someday, my books will be on shelves, giving people stories with hope and love and faithfulness. Stories with queer joy and disabled joy. But also queer struggle and disabled struggle, because they intermingle in the real world.  Will that ever happen? No clue at this point, but in the meantime I'll do my best to keep the faith and keep taking care of the vulnerable lambs. 

In Which My Son Attends a College Visit Weekend and I Come Away with Writing Advice

 My 17yo is starting to look seriously at colleges, and this weekend he attended an overnight visit event at Asbury University, which is his current top choice and only about 45 minutes from our house. He wants to study media production, and Asbury has a very well respected program. This weekend's visit was aimed at students interested in the media program and was capped off by the college's film festival on Saturday night. For the film festival weekend, there were judges and other visitors from the film industry on campus, giving talks and meeting with students and prospective students.

I stayed for the first talk before heading home, and I was pleasantly surprised that I took a lot a way from it as a writer. Asbury is a Christian university and the talk was aimed at that audience, titled "What every Christian needs to know before going to Hollywood". The speakers, a movie composer and a producer who are married to each other, emphasized that by "Hollywood" they really meant the entertainment industry in general, which is global, and that the principles would apply wherever the students ended up.

I was pleasantly surprised to realize that a whole lot of the advice applies to the creative life in general, including writing, and not just to moviemaking. It was also a good reminder that my son, who is severely dyslexic and doesn't read for pleasure (he can read, but it's a lot of work for him and he only reads when he needs the information) isn't quite as different from me as it would seem on the surface. At the core, he wants to build a life as a storyteller, just as I'm trying to do.

I won't share any of the specifically Christian advice on this general interest blog, but I thought some of the advice would apply to people of other faiths and no faith. Those points are as follows:

1. The importance of community. I've posted here about finding my writing community. Writing is most often a solitary occupation. When you're in the query trenches or agented but on submission to editors, it is also most often an incredibly discouraging occupation. If you have someone to share both your joys and your sorrows with, it's significantly more bearable.

2. Don't go into writing (they said filmmaking, but the principle is the same) because you want to be rich and famous. Go into it because you love to tell stories. That's what I try to keep in mind as I write story after story that no agents want to pick up so far. Yes, I want to see them on shelves and I hope to someday make some money from them, but it's unlikely that I'll get rich from it, which is okay. What I want to do is to tell stories that will both entertain and impact readers.

3. Show interest in other people in the industry. Don't always think about only yourself and what will benefit you. This may in the end open doors for you. I'm not sure if the "opening doors" part is quite as true in publishing, but, along with building a community of writing peers, I do think it's both helpful and important to establish relationships to whatever extent you can with writers ahead of you on the path. At least, they're more likely to read and hype your book if they already know who you are and have had good interactions with you.

4. It takes 10,000 hours of work before you become an expert in something. It may not take exactly 10,000 hours to write a novel that's good enough to get published, but in the case of the large majority of writers, it's not your first novel that ends up being your debut novel. Even if you do sell your first novel, the version that sits on shelves will go through sometimes significant edits and take a lot of work. Even established writers often say that they look back on their early published books and see all that they still had to learn. I can look back at my first three books and, even though I love the stories and hope to someday edit/rewrite them into books worthy of publication, I can see the things I still had to learn and the ways they're lacking. Not that my fourth book is perfect, but it's much better at this stage than the others were at the same stage because of everything I learned from writing them.

I returned to campus for the film festival last night, and I heard something there that was meaningful to me as a writer as well. The chair of the media communication department quoted a filmmaker whose name I immediately forgot (please tell me in the comments if you know who said this), who said "Make visible what, without you, might otherwise never have been seen." That really struck me, because that is half of why I write. First, because I love to tell stories, but second to make the marginalizations I identify with or am very close to, visible. This includes people on the asexual spectrum, girls with ADHD, and the diabetes community. Even if you don't identify with any marginalized group I still think this can apply. You might be making small town life visible, an unusual interest, an experience you've had, or something I haven't even thought of. Everyone has something unique to bring to their writing, and I believe there's a kid out there who could see a character like them in a book for the first time because of the story only you/I can tell.

To end, I'll share some pictures from the festival. I got to meet actor Joel McCreary, who played the prime minister of Genovia in the Princess Diaries as well as posing by statues of Kings Peter and Edmund of Narnia, which are actual set pieces from Prince Caspian movie. The media building as Asbury officially qualifies as a museum because of all the TV and movie artifacts it houses. They're all from projects that Asbury faculty and alumni have worked on.

In Which It Still Isn't My Turn, But I Keep Moving Anyway

 There's lots of good writing news in the middle grade twitterverse recently, and from my closer community of the #MGWaves. It feels like every time I check Twitter or Slack someone has just signed with an agent or announced a book deal. I've gotten to know some of these writers well and read works from many of them over the past year since I jumped into the writing community with both feet, and I can say with confidence that everyone I've seen announce news heartily deserves their good fortune. Most of them have been working toward this goal for years, some even longer than I have.

It's good to remember that what might look like an "overnight success story" could easily be that writer's sixth manuscript that they queried for a year and had just decided it was time to shelve when they got the full request that led to an offer. One of my friends who just signed with an agent received the email asking to set up a call to talk about representation literally 24 minutes after sending a text telling her critique partners that she was officially shelving the manuscript.

I'm still waiting for a story like that to happen to me. I'm actively querying a version of the second book I finished, which went through such a major rewrite that I kind of consider it my fourth book. I have not gotten any bites, but I recently rewrote my query and opening pages and just started sending that version a week ago, so there's still hope. In the meantime, I still have a small handful of queries out for my third book, the one that I should probably have shelved months ago, but that I keep firing off an occasional query for because I love it so much I can't bear to completely shelve it until I've run out of agents I'd like to work with who might love it. This one has also gone through not quite a rewrite but a very thorough revision including changing from third to first person since I began querying it late last year.

In the meantime, I'm plugging away at my fourth (maybe fifth, depending on how you count) book, which I currently think is the best one yet. Whether that actually proves to be the case will only be seen if I can actually finish the thing. This first draft has taken way longer than any other first draft I've ever written because I have my fingers in so many pies right now. I keep going away from it to tweak the books I'm still querying and fire off a few more. Add to that the days I just can't bear to look at it because I'm sure it must be a flaming pile of you can guess what despite my feelings about it and my critique group members' feelings about it, because if I actually knew how to write surely my inbox would be flooded with full requests.

Add in the mental fatigue from the pandemic that never ends, and keeping at the writing game can feel like a Sisyphean task. Push that boulder of a finished manuscript up the hill, and the rejections will come crashing down on you and push you right back down. So, why do I do it? Why do I keep creating these stories and throwing my babies out to the cold, cruel world? Why don't I just get a regular job that doesn't come with a regular side of rejection? Because rejection is and always will be part of the writing game. Once you get an agent, editors start rejecting you. Once you get a book in the world, readers start rejecting you. There is no stage at which a writer is entirely shielded from rejection.

First, I realize I'm in a place of incredible privilege because I don't have to work another full time job on top of writing just to keep a roof over my head and put food over the table. Yes, my kids are demanding and a 24/7 responsibility in some fashion (even the 16 year old), but it's not as if there aren't parents out there who have a full time job in addition to writing. 

It's partly because I love it. Books have always been a huge part of my life, and I've had stories living in my head as long as I can remember. It's also because I believe my stories have a place in the world that isn't completely filled. I want girls with ADHD to have a character they see themselves in. I want kids with type 1 diabetes to see a kid like them accurately portrayed in a book. I want kids who feel different in any way to see characters who are outside the norm in some way going on adventures and just living life.

Someday I believe my books will be on the shelves of libraries and bookstores. It might be a version of stories I've already written, or it might be that those stories serve as a stepping stone for me to continue to polish my craft and what ends up on shelves is now only a seed in the depths of my mind. There may be an agent reading a query that will lead to a full request and then an offer right now. The agent who eventually signs me may not even be an agent yet. 

I hate this uncertainty, and I don't always have the mental fortitude to remind myself that if I keep working and don't give up I will get there someday. There are definitely days when I spend all of my time wallowing in self pity. If I want to make it, however, I can't stay down there. I need to get up, dust myself off, and do the next thing.

This summer my family took a vacation to the Rocky Mountains. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It's also a whole lot farther above sea level than Kentucky, and the thinner air literally can take your breath away. All my family members are in much better shape than I am, and there were times we were ascending on hikes when I wasn't sure I could make it. But I did it. One step at a time. Here's a picture of me at 12,000 feet. No, I did not climb all 12,000 of those feet.