In Which I Think I Might be Coming Out of a Dry Spell

I had really good intentions last year of blogging here at least once a month, but this year has done everything it can to stop me from doing that. As I mentioned in my last post, a family crisis in February took up a lot of my time and energy for several months. Even though that's essentially over, it's taking awhile to get back to normal, or a new normal. Add to that the fact that the book I've been querying for a year and a half now is still languishing in the trenches and the idea of coming back to this blog just wasn't super attractive. 

But I think I may have made some headway in my own mental health journey that could get me back to writing more regularly, though I make no promises of blogging regularly. As you might remember, I've been working on a contemporary romance on and off since last March. I'm still less than halfway through. That's super slow compared to the pace at which I've written all of my other books, even Harbor Lightkeep, which took a long time compared to my other three finished manuscripts.

I was super excited when I first got the idea and the first two chapters and a working synopsis came to me pretty quickly. Then I slowed down. Way down. I'd write a paragraph and go weeks without even opening the document. Or I'd open the document every day for a week, only to write one sentence and delete it each time. I talked a good talk about wanting to finish the book. I even participated in #RomComMarch on Twitter this year and joined a Slack for it. But actually doing the writing? That didn't go nearly so well.

What I've realized is that I've spent a very long time thinking of myself as a middle grade writer. I mean, there's a reason the blog has the name it has. I still love Middle Grade books. I still dream of having middle grade books published someday. But because in my head I've been a middle grade writer for so long, I haven't allowed myself to own the idea that I could also be a romance writer. If I actually finish this book and actually start querying it I'll be querying as an adult contemporary romance writer, and that isn't what I thought I was going to be.

Of course, my brain knows that writing this one book, or even multiple books, in a genre and age group I didn't originally think I wanted to write doesn't mean I can never write or publish middle grade. But that's what my heart has been telling me. 

I've been trying to get a handle on my own mental health since my family crisis in February, and part of that has included seeing a therapist. One of the things my therapist is teaching me, which isn't super brilliant or groundbreaking but is still really hard for me, is the concept of responding rather than reacting. That is, if someone (usually my husband or one of my kids) says something that pushes my buttons, I need to take some breaths, walk away if necessary, and respond when I'm ready to respond calmly instead of reacting right away with anger that will inevitably hurt people.

I'm still just okay at this. But working on this has helped me realize that my tendency to react rather than responding has bled into my writing life. Rather than respond to the idea that actually finishing and querying this romance would make me something other than the middle grade writer I wanted to be with the logic that the two weren't mutually exclusive, I reacted by actively avoiding finishing the book.

I can't say for sure that having this knowledge will allow me to finish the book in a reasonable manner. I might just find another excuse. But at least now I know why it's taking so long.

I don't have a photo representing what's been going on in my heart and mind, but I hate not including a photo, so here's my gorgeous cat, Daniel Tiger, on one of  his favorite perches, the bookshelf that holds my 12yo's graphic novel collection.

In Which Kids Need Diverse Books

I've written about this topic in some fashion before (here, here, and here if you'd like to check it out), but I'm sorry to report that the need to talk about this is perennial. Book bans around the nation still going at full steam. Teachers and librarians are being called groomers for the audacious act of providing kids access to books with queer characters.

Before I go on, I want to apologize to my half dozen regular readers for not fulfilling my promise to blog monthly. A major crisis hit my family not long after the last post. It took up most of my mental energy for the rest of February, all of March, and well into April. I'm just now approaching a new normal and getting back into the things I set aside because they weren't top priority during a crisis.

I do want to note that, when my mental health was at its worst during the epicenter of the crisis, the two best ways to escape were reading and writing. I wasn't able to get in the right frame to work on my adult contemporary romance often, but when I did it, it was refreshing to escape to the world I created for a little while. 

All that taken care of, let's talk again about diverse books and why kids need them. I'm going to keep this simple.

1) Kids that are part of a minority group in some way (BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, disabled, there's probably more I'm not thinking of) need to see kids like them. They need to see these kids as the heroes of the story. They also need to see them as background characters, just part of a functioning society.

2) Kids that are not part of any minority group, or are part of a group other than the one being represented need to see kids who aren't like them in stories. They need to see that it's not just the white, cishet, able-bodied, neurotypical kids who save the day or just have an every day experience they can relate to. They also need to see kids who are different from them as side characters, just part of a normal, functioning society.

Upper elementary and middle school age kids (you know, the age group middle grade books are written for?) in particular are in a stage in which they're beginning to figure out who they are. My 12yo has three classmates who came out as nonbinary between the end of elementary school and the beginning of middle school. And I'm sure that's just the start of the queer kids she'll meet. Many kids at this age are still figuring out how they identify, who they might want to date, etc. They might not sort themselves out until they're almost done with high school, or even well into adulthood. Heck, I'm 48 and I'm still figuring things out about myself.

But if both cishet kids and queer kids (whether or not they know yet that they're queer) grow up reading a diversity of books that feature a spectrum of queer experiences, we're a whole lot more likely to end up with a loving and accepting society.

Unless you live under a rock and literally never talk to a single kid, the odds are high that you know a queer kid and/or a BIPOC kid, probably a lot more than one of each. But how would I even know that, you ask? You don't need to. If the queer kids in your life see you as a safe person and come out to you, great. But just because none of them have doesn't mean they're not there. Oh, but everyone I know is white, you say. Do you know? Like for real know? Have you asked them all about their racial background? Could they be mixed race and white-appearing? Even if you have defied the odds and somehow really do know only white people, those white kids still need to read books with BIPOC kids.

There are lots of things we as a nation need to do to create a just and safe society for the rising generation and the generations that come after them. I don't know what they all are, and I don't know how to do the majority of them. But what I do know is that one important aspect is giving them the opportunity to read a diversity of books.

I'll end with a picture of my 12yo's graphic novel collection. She's white, and as of this time she identifies as cishet, though that could change as she ages and gets to know herself better. Regardless, her shelves are filled with books about BIPOC kids, books about queer kids, and, yes, books about cishet white kids. Because we don't need to throw anyone under the bus to make bookstore and library shelves reflect the actual world we live in.

In Which I Get to Meet Some Of My People

I missed writing a blog post in January, in large part because I was busy feeling sorry for myself, but I blogged twice in December, so that makes up for it, right? Right? Whatever. All six of you who regularly read these posts can rejoice over me having a new one. 😂

Remember that new idea I was excited about? Or that thread of hope I was hanging onto in December? Yeah, that new idea is currently stalled in chapter 5. So I started a rewrite of the contemporary MG I wrote almost three years ago. It also stalled in chapter 5. Since my contemporary romance is also stalled in chapter 5, it's clear this is a theme for me. Don't ask me why chapter 5 is the one that breaks me.

A couple weeks ago I had a full on meltdown at dinnertime because my son didn't want to eat the dinner I had made with him specifically in mind. I am over having kids who are picky eaters despite everything I've tried to change that and who have only gotten worse with age (they're way past preschool), but that's not what the meltdown was really about. It was really about the fact that I feel like all my years of effort in writing have gotten me nowhere. Empirically I know that's not true. I've continued to develop my craft. I've formed great relationships within the writing world. I've gotten to know the industry much better than I did three years ago. But none of that is any guarantee I'll get an agent, let alone a book deal, and in the end that is still both my dream and my goal.

My breakdown was well timed, because it happened not long before something that was planned back in October: a retreat in Nashville, Tennessee with some of the other women in the #MGWaves. In case you don't want to look back at the linked post, in brief, the Waves are a writing support and critique group that began as a group for people who had submitted middle grade books to Pitch Wars in the fall of 2020. Some of the original members left after Pitch Wards ended, and some others came in through friends. Over the years, we've developed real friendships, though most of us had never met in person.

This past weekend 14 of us rectified that with a retreat in Nashville, Tennessee. This was not a writing retreat, though a couple people did write while we were together. It was a gathering of friends who write. It was also exactly what my soul needed. I still don't know if I will every be agented or published. But even if that doesn't happen for me, I'm thankful I started the journey because it led me to an incredible group of friends.

In Which I Review My Reading Year

I've always read a lot of books, but before this year I've never kept a record of which books I've read or how many. This year I decided to keep a reading log and, since this is the last day of the year  it seems an appropriate time to review the year. Here's the cover of the reading log. I just used an old notebook and decorated it with stickers.

I used a different color pen for each age group. Here's an example of a two page spread showing books of different age groups. The crossed out part is a book I started but quite reading after a few chapters.

As you can see, I recorded more than the book's title. I record the author (and illustrator in the case of picture books and graphic novels with more than one creator), the genre, the dates I started and finished the book, and a sentence or two about the book.

Before I break down the numbers, let me make some things clear. First, I count audiobooks as reading. My 11yo and I almost always listen to an audiobook while we drive back and forth to school and other places around town. I listen to own audiobook both while I'm driving by myself and doing things around the house. That's how most of the adult books made it on the list. I only count books I read for the first time. I reread a few books with my 11yo that I read a previous year and didn't add them to the list. I teach two year old preschool three days a week and I also don't count the dozens of board books I read to the kids again and again at work. I do count picture books I read on my own to study picture book craft (which I still have a lot to learn about).

My grand total of books read in 2022 is 217. Yes, that's a huge number, but keep in mind that most of these aren't 300+ page novels written for adults. The large majority are middle grade books, which do tend to be quicker reads. Breaking it down by age category, I read:

58 adult books

4 young adult books

137 middle grade books

5 chapter books

13 picture books

Of these, 153 were print books and 64 were audiobooks.

Only 6 of the books I read were nonfiction. The other 211 were fiction.

This number may seem amazing to you, or you may have read even more books this year. It doesn't really matter. If you read this year (and remember, audiobooks count as reading) you're a winner in my book.

In Which I Hang Onto a Teeny, Tiny, Gossamer Thread of Hope

It's Advent, the season of hope and waiting. I don't talk much about my faith on this blog, so, in case you didn't pick this up earlier, I'm a Christian. As a Christian, during this season of the year I celebrate the creator of the universe coming to Earth as a tiny, helpless, newborn baby. If that's not a miracle to be in awe of I don't know what is.

Even many who aren't traditionally religious think of this time of year as a season full of hope and potential miracles. Many people are hoping for a "Christmas miracle."

I'm not expecting a publishing Christmas miracle. Well, unless it's a certain Big 5 publisher settling the strike and actually listening to their employees (hint, hint HarperCollins). But I certainly wouldn't say no to it. I actually tweeted jokingly about my publishing Christmas wish last week and it went, well, not truly viral but at least viral-adjacent as opposed to most of my tweets that get 0-6 likes.

I'm still hanging onto a teeny, tiny thread of hope for my steampunk airship adventure. It's still in about 20 agent inboxes and until the last one passes there's hope that one of them will be the agent who falls in love with it. But the hope is pretty tenuous. The agent I thought was my best chance, who asked for a revision back in June, recently passed on the manuscript. She didn't like the direction I took the revision in. I guess it's better to find out now that we have different editorial visions than after I sign a contract, but it was still heartbreaking.

As if that wasn't enough, the full manuscript of my Nutcracker reimagining was with an editor who is normally only open to agented submissions thanks to a pitch contest like. Earlier this week she passed on it not because of weakness in the writing but because she just didn't think it was a perfect fit for her.

To be clear, I'm disappointed but I'm not angry with the agent or the editor. Agents spend a lot of time with client manuscripts and need to go through a long slog of pitching them to swamped editors. Editors devote a lot of time and effort to manuscripts they sign and it's not worth their time to work on a book they don't love. Yes, agents and editors receive manuscripts that are poorly written, but at least as often they have to pass on things that are well written and just don't light them on fire. Think about your own reading habits. You don't check out every single book in the library or buy every single book at the bookstore. Most of the books you pass up aren't bad. They're just not books you're currently excited about.

On the heels of two rejections I was pretty hopeful about, I was briefly ready to throw in the towel or just take a long break. It's been a year since I started querying my Steampunk book. I've spent the year doing a bunch of smaller tweaks and one major revision. I've lost count of the times I've tweaked my query and opening pages. According to all the advice out there I've done all the right things and should have been overrun with requests at least if not offers. My book has all kinds of things agents are supposed to be looking for. It has disability rep. It has queer rep. It has a diverse cast. It addresses climate change. It's a mystery to me why it hasn't gotten more full requests.

But I don't get to control what agents and editors think. I only get to control what I write. I tried to start writing something new this spring but I kept stopping and starting with it and never got very far. Only time will tell, but so far I'm much more excited about my new #WIP. I enjoy reading adult contemporary romance and I liked the idea of writing one, but it doesn't excite me the way middle grade does. Reading and writing middle grade lights me on fire in a way other types of books don't. Yes, I can appreciate books in other age groups. Someday I might even write one. But middle grade is where my heart is.

And when it comes down to it, that's why I'm not ready to give up on pursuing traditional publication. When I decided to get serious about writing again three years ago I knew it would be hard. I didn't know it would be "writing and querying three books over three years with three requests between them that all ended in rejection" hard. Some people would have been ready to quit well before this time. And there is nothing wrong with that. Your mental and emotional health is more important than reaching the elusive goal of getting a book traditionally published. 

There are moments when I feel like it might be time to quit. But when it comes down to it I'm not ready.  I've liked all the paid jobs I've had. This fall I started a part time job teaching a two year old preschool class and I might actually like that one best of all. But what really lights me on fire, what really makes me feel like I'm doing what I was created to do, is writing. Until I stop feeling that, I'm going to keep plodding up this mountain path of unknown length full of logs, rocks, and roots. I may stop for awhile and take a rest on one of the logs, but I'm not ready to head down the mountain just yet. 

In Which a New Idea Grabs My Attention

Querying right now is soul sucking. There. I said it. I don't know if there's a better way for agents to make connections to writers they want to represent. I don't blame the agents for being busy and taking a long time to respond. I do sometimes wish I could go back in time to a time when there were fewer people trying to be published and seriously pursue being published then, but time machines are not a thing. Plus, I know that I'm a better writer now so there's that.

In large part due to the soul-suckingness of querying, I've found it really hard to get into writing something new. Harbor Lightkeep is the fourth book I've queried and I didn't have this problem with the other three, but I think the very fact that it's the fourth and I'm still trying to find an agent is part of what's stopping me. Every single time I finish a book I think "Okay, this one is going to be the one." And so far it never has been. 

It also doesn't help that I recently started a part time job, teaching two year old preschool three days a week. I love the job, even with all the dirty diapers I have to change, but it does limit my potential writing time. At the very least I blame the new job, which I started in October, for me not blogging in October.

I kept telling myself I was going to finish the adult contemporary romance I started in March this fall but no matter how many times I opened my computer and stared at the document I just could not work up the energy to add to the story. I do hope to finish that book someday. I really love the world I dreamed up. But romance just doesn't light my heart on fire the way middle grade does. So I officially gave up pretending my fall goal was to finish that book.

Finally, just over a week ago, a new idea grabbed onto me. I had always been intrigued by the seed of a the 200 word story I wrote last fall for #FallWritingFrenzy and kind of wanted to do more with the idea of a grieving girl summoning the ghost of her twin. But I wasn't sure where to go with it until suddenly I was.

The original story was inspired by a photo of a Dia de los Muertos ofrenda. But, while I feel a deeper connection to Latinx cultures than I often do to the cultures of my own ancestors thanks to the combination of my degrees in Spanish and having a child in a Spanish Immersion school, I don't want to steal a culture that doesn't belong to me for an entire novel. I toyed with the idea of having the story center around Halloween and the autumnal equinox and the traditions from many cultures that involve spirits visiting our world at that time of year. But it just wasn't clicking for me.

Finally I remembered my favorite ghost story from childhood: A Christmas Carol. The tradition of telling ghost stories at Christmas never caught on in America, but it was huge in Victorian England and well before that so there's a rich culture to draw from. Plus, I love the idea of the veil between the living and the dead thinning at the darkest time of the year. I still have a lot of planning and research to do before I can do this story justice, but I'm finally really excited about something again. So I present to you the moodboard for what I'm currently calling #SpookyGhostTwinChristmasWIP. Although I've never actually used that hashtag since I'm taking a twitter break while I research and draft. And, no, this is not a NaNoWriMo project. It's just a project I happen to have started in November. 

In Which It Is Banned Books Week Again

I've posted before (here, here, and here if you want to read) about book bannings and #BannedBooksWeek, but unfortunately the topic is perennial and needs to continue being addressed. Books bannings have continued to increase over the past year. The continued increase in books featuring BIPOC and queer characters seems to really scare certain groups of conservative parents, and those groups know how to organize and how to make a lot of noise.

I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in some of the lists I've seen put out this week featuring banned books. A lot of them are classics (such as Lord of the Flies or To Kill a Mockingbird) or older children's books that were the subject of bans in the past but are overall really well known (such as Harry Potter).

The real danger right now is the hundreds of books that are being quietly removed from classrooms and school libraries because parent groups are challenging them. These groups assert that the very fact that a book stars a BIPOC child and mentions racism means it promotes Critical Race Theory and, even more often, that the very fact that a book features a queer character makes it "pornography". There are picture books being challenged as being "pornographic". Think about that for a minute. 

Unfortunately this phenomenon isn't limited to schools either. A small town in Michigan lost funding for its library in a vote this summer after a conservative group raised concerns that the librarians were "groomers" pushing "pornography" on children. Which is not in any way, shape or form what children's librarians who have books with queer characters in their collections are doing. I've heard anecdotes of Pride month displays in libraries all over the country being tampered with, everything from patrons checking out every single book to keep them out of the hands of children to outright vandalism.

A swift perusal of my shelves and my daughter's shelves produced a pile of middle grade books that I know have been challenged and removed from classrooms and/or libraries along with books I don't know for sure have been challenged but are likely to encounter challenges for the reasons cited above. If I looked for longer I could likely find even more books that commit the apparently grave crime of making children aware that racism still happens and queer people exist.

So, what can you do if you want books like this to get into the hands of readers? On a larger scale, if you know books bans are happening in your community, make your voice known. If your community and/or local school library is open to having the kinds of books that are being banned in its collection, request that they purchase books like this if they have funds to do so. If the library doesn't have the funds and you do, consider donating such books to your local school and/or community library, or to your child's classroom library or the classroom library of a teacher in your circle.

If you're a parent, godparent, aunt or uncle, or otherwise have a role in a child's life that involves buying gifts for them, give them books that have been challenged. There are books with queer and/or BIPOC kids in every genre and you can certainly find a book the child in your life will enjoy. Whether the child in your life will see themself in these books or whether they'll see that kids who are different from them can be heroes it's equally important for them to read these books.

I have a lot of hope that the generation nearing and just entering adulthood is going to bring about a sea change in the way our society sees and treats queer people and people of color. I'm not an idiot. I know there will also be pushback and challenges, but the young people I know give me a lot of hope that we're moving in the right direction and the larger part of their generation will be on the right side of history.