The writing life is tough. I mean, yeah, it's amazing to dream up whole worlds and I don't want to stop doing it. But it's also really tough. I've been actively trying to get an agent for nearly two and a half years now. With four different books. In all that time I have only ever had one agent request a full manuscript and two request partial manuscripts. The partials were for the same book. Two of my manuscripts never got any requests at all.
I've learned a lot over the past two and a half years. I know that each book has been better than the last. Every time I finished a book I was sure that book was going to be "the one". The one that got me an agent and then a book deal. Every time (so far) I have been wrong. But, looking back, I can see why the first three books didn't do that. I can see that I still needed to grow as a writer.
But this most recent one. I was so sure it was special. The pacing is on point. There's a cliffhanger ending at 10 pages, at 30 pages, and at 50 pages, the three increments agents normally ask for. It's unique. It has disability rep. It has queer rep. It has an environmental message. It even has a fox as a service animal.
Still, my inbox is crickets. I got two partial requests from agents who only ask for a query, but both ended in rejection. The advice is to query in small batches and change up your query and opening pages if you don't get requests. So I've been doing that. I've had agented writers look over my query letter and opening pages. They've been pronounced great and sure to get requests. Still, agents don't seem to be getting the message.
Maybe it's not getting in front of the right person, people say. Is there a magic wand telling me who that right person might be? (Maybe you're an agent reading this after I queried you and you're that person? I can hope). Otherwise I just need to keep sending it to agents I think I'd like to work with who rep middle grade sci fi and seem like they might be interested. Maybe this will yield the results I'm looking for. Maybe the book is in the right inbox right now. There's no way to know that.
What I do know is that I'm not going to stop writing new stories. What I also know is that, if this round of queries doesn't go anywhere, I need to set this book aside. That doesn't mean it will be dead forever. My dream is that after I get an offer of rep for whatever book does that for me, my agent will be interested in eventually sending all of my books on submission to editors. There's no guarantee of that. But it's well within the realm of possibility. But at this point I need to protect my heart. I was so sure this was the book that was doing to get requests early and in spades. It has so many things agents are supposed to be looking for: disability rep, queer rep, and environmental message. I really don't know what it's missing. Or if it's missing nothing and the right person simply hasn't seen it.
That's one of the super frustrating things about writing. It can be really difficult to know if it's you or if it's them. But there are really two choices for writers facing piles of rejections. You can give up or you can keep writing. I'm not going to say I will always keep writing no matter what. That it doesn't matter at all if I never get published. I just feel compelled to tell stories. That's true for some people, but I'm not sure it will be true for me long term. If I'm still nowhere near publication in five years will I keep plugging away? I have lots of idea, so maybe. But maybe not.
I love books, especially books for young people. I will never stop caring about them. But will I stop writing them if there's no hope they will ever make it on shelves? I just don't know. I hope I won't, but my battered heart can only take so much. If there comes a time when writing never brings me any joy I think it will be time to take a long break, at the very least.
Speaking of breaks, my kids are out of school for the summer, so I've decided to take a break from significant writing work. I might still write, but only if it brings me joy. Otherwise I'm going to enjoy spending time with my kids and I'm going to read a lot of books.
Oh, and I mustn't forget the Oreos. One day last week when I was feeling particularly bad about the state of my inbox I found Fireworks Oreos at the store and I bought them. These are special edition Oreos that only come out in the summer. They have something like pop rocks in the cream. The rest of my family thinks that is super weird and will not eat them. So these are the only Oreos that are safe from my teenage son, who is basically a food black hole. So I get to eat my feelings and my family doesn't have more snack food tempting them. Everyone wins.
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